We are facing a huge surgery.  Not we, I guess, but my little girl to be specific.  She needs to have extensive surgery on her hips and legs, and the doctor is doing all of it in one big swoop.  I initially was in shock when he told me.  Sitting at the Rehab Institute by myself, my little girl after three hours of being examined and x-rayed was in the lobby with my sister thank goodness.  But there I sat surrounded by four doctors and four residents, and two nurses all staring at me in my role as “super parent.”  I felt like I was 12 and wanted to burst into tears and run.  I always feel like this in these situations, like “who are they kidding, I cannot make these decisions, I am not old enough or smart enough or anything enough to be this responsible.”

The doctor laid out the surgery and showed me pictures on his Ipad, while I fought back tears and tried to remember to breathe.  I then walked out of the office and got my daughter and pasted a cheering expression on my face for her.  In the car, I immediately called my husband and filled him in.  But relating the story only makes it worse.

Now I am a few weeks out and the date has been set.  I am trying to figure out how to manage this, with her in the hospital, with her not being able to walk or move herself for 6 weeks at least, with my other kids lives and needs.  She is not the first child with CP to have surgery like this, but I can’t seem to find anyone who is enough like my daughter to get real info and real outcome from.  All my friends have had similar surgeries, but in pieces and not all at once.  The pain is supposed to be terrible, and being in a wheelchair with her legs straight out will be tough in our little house.  

How do I get her to the bathroom?  How do I get her out of bed?  How do I get her to school and make that ok?
How do I get my other two back and forth to school and dance, and hockey, and basketball?
How do I make this ok for my daughter and keep her strong and happy?????

I met a lovely woman the other day at Target who told me about a therapy her daughter had been doing out of Canada.  She has fended off surgery for years doing this herself.  She sent me all of the info which I gobbled up and then set out for other opinions.  At this point I have so many points of view, so many options, so many ideas, I have crippled my decision making.  I don’t know what to do, or what is best?  Am I a bad mom because I am letting her go through with this, is there some magic bullet I am missing that would be easier than cutting her open?

I just do not know which way to turn or who or what to listen to.  I have never felt like this before, I always had a good path and a good idea.  Now, not so much.