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Feeling Fragmented

November 4, 2012 By admin Leave a Comment

PicturePablo Picasso Seated Portrait of Dora Maar

I have taken on the challenge for my own self, of being a part of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) for many reasons.  One is that I wanted to force (train) myself to post every day, and to get my constant writing out of my head and onto the page.


It takes guts to share and to be honest with yourself and anyone who chooses to read your work.  It takes patience to flush out a piece to write.  And it takes discipline to get it on the page (or screen) and out of your thoughts.  I write constantly.  But getting it from point A to point B has been a challenge for me. The NaBloPoMo idea has been helpful already  in that I am taking the time to jot down the ideas that float through my head and then flush them out on my blog.


But last night when I was thinking through my writing for today I realized that my writing has been fragmented.  It seems a little disconnected to me, and not traveling in a straight line.


Then I realized that I myself feel fragmented lately.  My thoughts are clouded with worry about my daughter, about fear of what the next neurologist appointment will say in a few weeks, and missing my Mom terribly when I need to talk to her most.  From the outside I seem great.  My hair is brushed, I’m wearing actual clothes and not sweats, the beds are made, the kids homework is done.  I can do all the tasks of being me pretty well.


My problem is on the inside.  I feel like I am in a million tiny pieces, and none of them connect to one another.  They are all just a tiny bit off, or out of line.  And I think it shows in my thinking and my consequent writing.


The secret may be in honesty.  In just getting it out of my head, and writing honestly what is in my heart.  The fears, the anxious feelings, the feeling of once again being in limbo for a diagnosis I am not sure I want to even hear.  


So maybe the challenge of writing daily and posting daily, will be my salvation.  We shall see.

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