I want to take a day off, I really do. I want to sit back on the couch, relax, basically just not get up for awhile. I want to be able to rest and do nothing, and to be ok with that. But for some strange reason I never do, and I actually feel uncomfortable when I get the chance.
I am not very good at just stopping – yet I envy people who are. I feel like I always need to be busy and to be doing something. There is always something to be done, laundry, work, dishes, errands. But I complain about not having the time to sit back and relax, while not doing anything about it. Sometimes I feel as if my actual worth is based on how busy I can stay. And as a special needs Mom, I wonder if it is even really a realistic goal.
My daughter has needs that no one else can really fill most of the time. She needs to be helped to the bathroom, to help her get dressed, to help with her homework as a scribe, to lift her in and out of the car and to push her wheelchair in tight spaces. It seems the minute I sit myself down, she senses it and has to ask for something. Of course, she has two parents and we can split the work of caring for her. But as her Mom I am the one with her most of the time. So I do it. I get up, I help her, I get the things out of her reach, I move and I move and I move.
So when do I rest, if ever? I often wonder if I will find a time where I can just relax and kick back and to be ok with that. Even today, when her therapist had to cancel the after school session I was already dreading schlepping to, I started immediately to try and fill the space. “What can I do?” “Should we go to the pool and get a good workout?” “Should I fill it with errands?” should I do this or that to fill in that time, that time I have been craving and wanting. What if we just come home from school and do homework, and relax? Is that so bad for a parent to do?
How do I become comfortable with empty, unplanned time as a special needs parent?